Monday, April 1, 2013

I was held HOSTage for 2 hours

Despite the critical reception of a 12% rating for this movie and me telling Rhino it received 16% we went to see "THE HOST" with an open mind.
Now it had been a while since I read the book like since 2008 so I couldn’t really remember all the details. I knew it was about a girl and some aliens and a couple dudes. I remembered I didn’t hate the book and actually I was excited for the movie. Mostly excited because I like everyone who was cast in it. Saorise Ronan is amazing (See Hanna/Atonement) Max Irons is hot (don’t see Red Riding Hood), Jake Abel, reminds me of that guy with half a tongue from the People Under The Stairs. Definitely, see that. Other notable members Diane Kruger (any relation to Freddy?) who’s host body (should Alien be capitalized?) turns out to be named Laci. Seriously, I can’t make this up.  Frances Fisher and William Hurt.
Sooooo what happens is Earth (capitalized?) has been taken over by these good looking Aliens who wear all white and grey shoes. The ladies all wear high heeled grey boots and the guys all wear grey docs. And they never get dirty, even in the desert. And in some shots you can totally see underwear. Which, come on any first day wardrobe tech should be able to correct. Unless, showing your underwear is totally an Alien thing, then carry on. Also, the Aliens have really pretty or really creepy (inset opinion here) blue eyes. Think Ian Somerhalder (but no one was that hot in this film , so maybe not think him).
The Aliens (specifically called the “Souls”) have taken over Earth and in doing so have inserted this squid looking thing that shines bright like a diamond into the back of humans necks. The Souls claim to be peaceful and have a lot of spray medicines and computers. They also drive silver cars and motorcycles (in all white). Anyway, the movie didn’t really go into the whole Alien thing that much, just that they have now come to Earth to cleanse it or some shizz…are you beginning to see the issue.
Melanie (Saorise Ronan) and her cute little brother Jamie are from Louisiana and are some of the last humans. No argument here. Long story short they meet Jarrod (Max Irons) and they end up falling in love outside On a couch In the rain with An orange mobile home in the background. I remember this from the book except in the book Mel was like 17 and Jarrod was like 27 or something. I like the movie visual better. Saorise and Max have good chemistry together. Like if they did another movie together I would totally watch it..unless it was the Host Part 2.
Back to the story…they are on the run cos the Souls are trying to track down all the last humans so they can insert the said squid inside them. One particular lady is all about the hunt. Insert Diane Kruger, the Seeker. I think Seeker means tracker or Personal Investigator. Anyway, they track down Melanie and insert said squid (Wanderer is the souls name..Wanda for short…I am not kidding) but it doesn’t go as planned and Mel stays too. This leads to them both talking a lot to each other..out loud ( this has been a huge complaint from movie goers and critics..I could probably get past this weirdness cos half my family does this..but it’s still not enough to make this good)….and they escape to go find Jamie and Jarrod (who is Mel’s lover). They end up in the desert which is really stunning to look at so thank golly for that. Mel/Wanda passes out in high heels all sun blistered and near death when her Uncle Jeb (William Hurt) finds her and takes her back to his Dark Crystal compound even though she is a blue eye. Turns out there are quite a few humans here and they grow wheat and have a doctor and everything.
Mel/Wanda has been locked up as a prisoner at this point (and I had to use the loo) when I came back after considering making a run for it..she was getting along with a few people like her brother and Jake Abel (Ian). Outside the Dark Crystal the Seeker is still looking for Mel and the humans….insert 5 minutes of meditation time here…ok and we are back. Anyway, the rest is pretty boring and bad. Mel/Wanda ends up making out with both Jarrod and Ian. There is some death and then Wanda decides to show the doctor have to properly remove a soul and wants to die. The doctor and everyone ignore her wishes (cos they humans duh) and put her in a cute little host  that was dying. Wanda ends up as this cute lil lady with Ian and Mel ends up with Jarrod. The movie ends with the cheesiest scene in history and credits..hallafrigginlouuya.
In short, this is one of those great examples where bad writing happens to good actors. It just wasn’t a good movie. For fun though go online and read other reviews. I love movie reviews. People be getting fired up all da time.

Here are some of Rhino’s quotes about the movie during the movie in his supposed quiet voice.

·        At least the natural scenery is good to look at because it is keeping me distracted from the horrible lines.
·        The actors tried and they did a good job with what they had.
·        The only reason I did not walk out is because I didn’t want to waste the money I spent..but I really did anyway.
·        What is up with those white outfits?
·        I am going to go get a refill if I don’t come back I will meet you at the car.

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