Friday, March 29, 2013

I’m Sorry About The Bathroom Or, Why I Love and Hate Morrissey

I would like to start by pointing out that the title has absolutely nothing to do with Morrissey.  It’s part of a conversation I heard over lunch with my soul sistah from the Bus Stop.  A strange fellow, who reminded me of Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs, was on the phone talking to the victims of bathroom terrorism, about how he destroyed their bathroom and how sorry he was and how it was never going to happen again. I sure hope it doesn’t, for the sake of the victims.


On to the actual meat and potatoes of this piece - why I love and hate Morrissey.  When I was in middle school, I really loved heavy metal music.  Iron Maiden was (and still is) one of my favorite bands, along with Anthrax, Megadeth, Exodus, Testament, Metallica. I wore the black chucks, black concert T’s, ripped jeans - I loved Metal!!  Having said that, I have an older sister who listened to The Cure, New Order, Sisters of Mercy, and The Smiths.  Basically anything that was considered sensitive and depressing by my metal cronies.  The thing is, I secretly listened to all her cassettes and was a closeted wannabe goth.  I told no-one because that music was for depressed sissy’s and was “uncool”.  I was an uncool depressed sissy then because I loved that music, it spoke to me in a way that I could relate to, deeply.  Enter The Smiths and that man-loving sparrow with a golden voice, Morrissey.


The Smiths was the first band I really connected with. Iron Maiden had great albums and the coolest mascot ever (Eddie!), but their songs were about war and shit.  Morrissey and the Smiths sang about heartbreak, rejection, lonliness, secret man-crushes (which I can relate to on the secret crush thing), self-doubt, longing, you get the picture. Young adolescents dealing with sexuality and figuring out where they fit in could all say, “that song is about me” about any Smiths song almost (I know I did).


I ended up coming out of the closet and saying, “the world be damned, I Love The Smiths!!”  Don’t judge me people, just love me.  I became a number one fan and had all the albums and think I found my sensitive side.  I wish I could have seen them live but they broke up when I was 9 so I was really late to the party but the point is I got there, ok? Fuck! Why are you so judgemental? Sorry I was caught in a moment.  Anywho, I grew up, and I still loved The Smiths and Morrissey. 


Cut to August of 2012.  Morrissey was on tour and was going to be in Seattle that November! I became overwhelmed with joy and bought some tickets because I knew this was my chance to finally see him!!! This man rarely tours anymore and I haven’t lived in or near a city in my adult life where I would have a chance to see him so I had to this time.  I had to because I would never get to see The Smiths (Morrissey is a little bitch and wants no part of a reunion) and seeing Morrissey live would be the closest I would ever get to that and also, because his music meant so much to me. 


So it’s a week before the concert and the show is cancelled.  Great sadness falls upon me, my sister and my bff.  We were all so excited and anticipating this concert because we all shared a love of The Smiths and Morrissey, the color black, and depression.  Turns out Morrissey’s mum is gravely sick and being a good son, he flies back to England to be with her in her time of need.  Plus she’s old and might die and stuff.  We get over it but are really disappointed.  January 2013, the show is rescheduled for March 2013 but now I have no one to share this event with.  Or so I think.


My BFF says “they added a show in Vegas in February, you should fly down here so we can cry and share this moment”.  I say yes, of course.  Meanwhile, there are all these other shows getting added and getting cancelled and rescheduled, Morrissey has a bleeding ulcer and a UTI and some other health issues.  Then he gets the bronchitis (ain’t nobody got time for that!!!) hemorrhoids, an ingrown toenail, papercuts, rocket ass, a pimple, heartburn, and bunions.  Shows keep getting added, cancelled, rescheduled and my BFF and I fear our show will get cancelled to due to pneumonia, a yeast infection, menstrual cramps, pink eye, athletes foot, mumps, cholera; we are scared this fucker is going to die from the plague!!!


I get a text from BFF saying “that motherfucker’s show got cancelled” even though it was supposed to be his first show back from battling diphtheria, arthritis, crohn’s disease, the avian flu, SARS, strep throat, and bacterial vaginosis.  BFF and I are pissed.  We vow to find him and break his legs and tie him up and force feed him veal and assorted pork products (he is a militant vegetarian - see Meat is Murder).  Our love of Morrissey has given way to hate and bitterness and fantasies of how we can hurt him, including taking a bat to his kneecaps.


I am very angry and sad, he has cancelled on me twice, in two different cities, due to tendonitis, hangnails, thrush, skin cancer, eczema, boils on his ass, and ring worm.  I want to look forward to the rescheduled show in Seattle but I don’t know how.  There is a light that never goes out?  How soon is now?  Shoplifters of the world unite?  My sister will be joining me for the show now and she wants to be excited too but we fear another cancellation.


March 6 2013, the show is not cancelled and we see the best fucking show of our adult lives.  He was magnificent and I could no longer hate him because I was there, sitting, and watching him sing and dance and sing with a voice that hasn’t aged at all.  He sang some Smiths songs as well as some of his solo stuff and he sounded and looked great!!! It was worth all the disappointment and my sister and I could not stop talking about what a good fucking show that half-dead diseased motherfucker put on.  What can I say, I love him once again and I got to see him live with the one person who introduced me to him with her cassettes, my sister.


So, that’s my long journey with Morrissey.  He finally cancelled the rest of his 2013 tour due to mesothelioma, liver failure, dry skin, meningitis, gingivitis, and arteriosclerosis.  Morrissey, I hope you get better and thank you for all the memories.  Hope the jock itch clears up.
About the Author:
About OrangeJuiceJones.  OJJ really enjoys: music, going to concerts, art, traveling, tattoos, books, good food, booze, laughing with friends, movies, being outdoors, coca-cola, and the company of cats.  OJJ does not enjoy: serious individuals with no sense of humor, people who hurt animals, doing dishes, too much cheese.

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