Dabbling in Public Service

Nothing says the holidays are here better than a DVR full of sappy, crappy holiday movies.

 

 

 

If you are like me one of your favourite things about the holidays is the amount of cheese you can get sucked into right from the comfort of your house and sweats. I’m talking about the movies that come courtesy of the two leading movie networks, Lifetime and Hallmark.

You might remember from my obsessive 2 am posts last year that my heart fell for “The Christmas Table”. It was pure magic. Winnie Cooper playing a teenager THEN playing a 20 year old falling in love with this young dude (real 20 year old) from 90210 (the new one...or latest one… whatever… it’s not important). Anyway, they fall in love at Marty McFly’s mom’s house and it is just beautiful. You gotta watch this.

Another one of my favourites was “Christmas with Holly”. A story about a little girl whose mom passes away and she goes in lives with her uncles on Friday Harbor (which is just close enough to here to make it seem like I am there).  I watched this all the way into January, I mean long hair Sean Faris. Our romance faded as each month passed but I am more than willing to get together for the holiday season (amiright?). Anyway, it’s highly recommended.

Some golden oldies from Christmas pasts:

-          The Christmas Shoes – 2002 (When I say Rob, you say Lowe…ROB…)

-          Flirting with Forty – 2008 (Don’t judge me..)

-          The Christmas Card – 2006 (think Zac Efron movie where he finds the picture and then hunts lady down except this is a card and it’s not Zac Efron)

-          Home by Christmas (For when you are really depressed by the season..save this one…EMERGENCIES ONLY...)

I can’t wait to see what the little elves at Lifetime and Hallmark bring this season.

 

Cheers,

Amber xoxo

 

 

America's Last Frontier

Hey everyone! I am sorry I have not written in FOR-EVER and I never really wrote to begin with. Not that I had much fan cheering anyways….cough…cough.

I have been spending most of my time writing about the Cold War and the Kogi Tribe. You all look extremely impressed. However, all that aside (insert French snorting here) I thought I would do a little post.

So I went to the mall yesterday. You know, America’s Last Frontier. The land of teenagers, strollers, kiosks, international foods such as sabarro, random trucks parked next to Old Navy’s, proactive vending machines. Ya, that place. I had not been in a long time. The mall can be a little overwhelming. First, you usually have to park your car at your house and walk from there. Second, there are loads of people like literally loads of people.  

But yesterday all the stars aligned and it was fun. I thought I would share some of the things you can do at the mall in case like me you have not been in a while.

1.       You can pet Chihuahuas. Like itsy bitsy probably not even street legal Chihuahuas that kids carry in.

2.       You can sit in a massage chair that doesn’t work for 20 minutes.

3.       You can laugh and laugh at Spencer’s until you get yelled at by a 20 year old Gestapo that works there. I mean if you work at Spencer’s you should have a sense of humor. People are going to laugh it’s not a library (which has turned into romper room lately I might add, I mean really..running wild in there..but I digress)

4.       You can try on little seatbelts at Fuego (go there you will understand) and they even have an awesome Union Jack one so enjoy!

5.       You can talk to nice Hispanic workmen on their break.

6.       You can see the really cute makeup artist boy who works at Mac.

7.       Really, the people watching should be #1. You can’t beat it. It’s even better than an airport although not better than a dog (Greyhound) station.

 

Anyway, see you around.

 

 

I was held HOSTage for 2 hours

Despite the critical reception of a 12% rating for this movie and me telling Rhino it received 16% we went to see "THE HOST" with an open mind.

Now it had been a while since I read the book like since 2008 so I couldn’t really remember all the details. I knew it was about a girl and some aliens and a couple dudes. I remembered I didn’t hate the book and actually I was excited for the movie. Mostly excited because I like everyone who was cast in it. Saorise Ronan is amazing (See Hanna/Atonement) Max Irons is hot (don’t see Red Riding Hood), Jake Abel, reminds me of that guy with half a tongue from the People Under The Stairs. Definitely, see that. Other notable members Diane Kruger (any relation to Freddy?) who’s host body (should Alien be capitalized?) turns out to be named Laci. Seriously, I can’t make this up.  Frances Fisher and William Hurt.

Sooooo what happens is Earth (capitalized?) has been taken over by these good looking Aliens who wear all white and grey shoes. The ladies all wear high heeled grey boots and the guys all wear grey docs. And they never get dirty, even in the desert. And in some shots you can totally see underwear. Which, come on any first day wardrobe tech should be able to correct. Unless, showing your underwear is totally an Alien thing, then carry on. Also, the Aliens have really pretty or really creepy (inset opinion here) blue eyes. Think Ian Somerhalder (but no one was that hot in this film , so maybe not think him).

The Aliens (specifically called the “Souls”) have taken over Earth and in doing so have inserted this squid looking thing that shines bright like a diamond into the back of humans necks. The Souls claim to be peaceful and have a lot of spray medicines and computers. They also drive silver cars and motorcycles (in all white). Anyway, the movie didn’t really go into the whole Alien thing that much, just that they have now come to Earth to cleanse it or some shizz…are you beginning to see the issue.

Melanie (Saorise Ronan) and her cute little brother Jamie are from Louisiana and are some of the last humans. No argument here. Long story short they meet Jarrod (Max Irons) and they end up falling in love outside On a couch In the rain with An orange mobile home in the background. I remember this from the book except in the book Mel was like 17 and Jarrod was like 27 or something. I like the movie visual better. Saorise and Max have good chemistry together. Like if they did another movie together I would totally watch it..unless it was the Host Part 2.

Back to the story…they are on the run cos the Souls are trying to track down all the last humans so they can insert the said squid inside them. One particular lady is all about the hunt. Insert Diane Kruger, the Seeker. I think Seeker means tracker or Personal Investigator. Anyway, they track down Melanie and insert said squid (Wanderer is the souls name..Wanda for short…I am not kidding) but it doesn’t go as planned and Mel stays too. This leads to them both talking a lot to each other..out loud ( this has been a huge complaint from movie goers and critics..I could probably get past this weirdness cos half my family does this..but it’s still not enough to make this good)….and they escape to go find Jamie and Jarrod (who is Mel’s lover). They end up in the desert which is really stunning to look at so thank golly for that. Mel/Wanda passes out in high heels all sun blistered and near death when her Uncle Jeb (William Hurt) finds her and takes her back to his Dark Crystal compound even though she is a blue eye. Turns out there are quite a few humans here and they grow wheat and have a doctor and everything.

Mel/Wanda has been locked up as a prisoner at this point (and I had to use the loo) when I came back after considering making a run for it..she was getting along with a few people like her brother and Jake Abel (Ian). Outside the Dark Crystal the Seeker is still looking for Mel and the humans….insert 5 minutes of meditation time here…ok and we are back. Anyway, the rest is pretty boring and bad. Mel/Wanda ends up making out with both Jarrod and Ian. There is some death and then Wanda decides to show the doctor have to properly remove a soul and wants to die. The doctor and everyone ignore her wishes (cos they humans duh) and put her in a cute little host  that was dying. Wanda ends up as this cute lil lady with Ian and Mel ends up with Jarrod. The movie ends with the cheesiest scene in history and credits..hallafrigginlouuya.

In short, this is one of those great examples where bad writing happens to good actors. It just wasn’t a good movie. For fun though go online and read other reviews. I love movie reviews. People be getting fired up all da time.

Here are some of Rhino’s quotes about the movie during the movie in his supposed quiet voice.

·        At least the natural scenery is good to look at because it is keeping me distracted from the horrible lines.

·        The actors tried and they did a good job with what they had.

·        The only reason I did not walk out is because I didn’t want to waste the money I spent..but I really did anyway.

·        What is up with those white outfits?

·        I am going to go get a refill if I don’t come back I will meet you at the car.

I’m Sorry About The Bathroom Or, Why I Love and Hate Morrissey

I would like to start by pointing out that the title has absolutely nothing to do with Morrissey.  It’s part of a conversation I heard over lunch with my soul sistah from the Bus Stop.  A strange fellow, who reminded me of Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs, was on the phone talking to the victims of bathroom terrorism, about how he destroyed their bathroom and how sorry he was and how it was never going to happen again. I sure hope it doesn’t, for the sake of the victims.

 

On to the actual meat and potatoes of this piece - why I love and hate Morrissey.  When I was in middle school, I really loved heavy metal music.  Iron Maiden was (and still is) one of my favorite bands, along with Anthrax, Megadeth, Exodus, Testament, Metallica. I wore the black chucks, black concert T’s, ripped jeans - I loved Metal!!  Having said that, I have an older sister who listened to The Cure, New Order, Sisters of Mercy, and The Smiths.  Basically anything that was considered sensitive and depressing by my metal cronies.  The thing is, I secretly listened to all her cassettes and was a closeted wannabe goth.  I told no-one because that music was for depressed sissy’s and was “uncool”.  I was an uncool depressed sissy then because I loved that music, it spoke to me in a way that I could relate to, deeply.  Enter The Smiths and that man-loving sparrow with a golden voice, Morrissey.

 

The Smiths was the first band I really connected with. Iron Maiden had great albums and the coolest mascot ever (Eddie!), but their songs were about war and shit.  Morrissey and the Smiths sang about heartbreak, rejection, lonliness, secret man-crushes (which I can relate to on the secret crush thing), self-doubt, longing, you get the picture. Young adolescents dealing with sexuality and figuring out where they fit in could all say, “that song is about me” about any Smiths song almost (I know I did).

 

I ended up coming out of the closet and saying, “the world be damned, I Love The Smiths!!”  Don’t judge me people, just love me.  I became a number one fan and had all the albums and think I found my sensitive side.  I wish I could have seen them live but they broke up when I was 9 so I was really late to the party but the point is I got there, ok? Fuck! Why are you so judgemental? Sorry I was caught in a moment.  Anywho, I grew up, and I still loved The Smiths and Morrissey. 

 

Cut to August of 2012.  Morrissey was on tour and was going to be in Seattle that November! I became overwhelmed with joy and bought some tickets because I knew this was my chance to finally see him!!! This man rarely tours anymore and I haven’t lived in or near a city in my adult life where I would have a chance to see him so I had to this time.  I had to because I would never get to see The Smiths (Morrissey is a little bitch and wants no part of a reunion) and seeing Morrissey live would be the closest I would ever get to that and also, because his music meant so much to me. 

 

So it’s a week before the concert and the show is cancelled.  Great sadness falls upon me, my sister and my bff.  We were all so excited and anticipating this concert because we all shared a love of The Smiths and Morrissey, the color black, and depression.  Turns out Morrissey’s mum is gravely sick and being a good son, he flies back to England to be with her in her time of need.  Plus she’s old and might die and stuff.  We get over it but are really disappointed.  January 2013, the show is rescheduled for March 2013 but now I have no one to share this event with.  Or so I think.

 

My BFF says “they added a show in Vegas in February, you should fly down here so we can cry and share this moment”.  I say yes, of course.  Meanwhile, there are all these other shows getting added and getting cancelled and rescheduled, Morrissey has a bleeding ulcer and a UTI and some other health issues.  Then he gets the bronchitis (ain’t nobody got time for that!!!) hemorrhoids, an ingrown toenail, papercuts, rocket ass, a pimple, heartburn, and bunions.  Shows keep getting added, cancelled, rescheduled and my BFF and I fear our show will get cancelled to due to pneumonia, a yeast infection, menstrual cramps, pink eye, athletes foot, mumps, cholera; we are scared this fucker is going to die from the plague!!!

 

I get a text from BFF saying “that motherfucker’s show got cancelled” even though it was supposed to be his first show back from battling diphtheria, arthritis, crohn’s disease, the avian flu, SARS, strep throat, and bacterial vaginosis.  BFF and I are pissed.  We vow to find him and break his legs and tie him up and force feed him veal and assorted pork products (he is a militant vegetarian - see Meat is Murder).  Our love of Morrissey has given way to hate and bitterness and fantasies of how we can hurt him, including taking a bat to his kneecaps.

 

I am very angry and sad, he has cancelled on me twice, in two different cities, due to tendonitis, hangnails, thrush, skin cancer, eczema, boils on his ass, and ring worm.  I want to look forward to the rescheduled show in Seattle but I don’t know how.  There is a light that never goes out?  How soon is now?  Shoplifters of the world unite?  My sister will be joining me for the show now and she wants to be excited too but we fear another cancellation.

 

March 6 2013, the show is not cancelled and we see the best fucking show of our adult lives.  He was magnificent and I could no longer hate him because I was there, sitting, and watching him sing and dance and sing with a voice that hasn’t aged at all.  He sang some Smiths songs as well as some of his solo stuff and he sounded and looked great!!! It was worth all the disappointment and my sister and I could not stop talking about what a good fucking show that half-dead diseased motherfucker put on.  What can I say, I love him once again and I got to see him live with the one person who introduced me to him with her cassettes, my sister.

 

So, that’s my long journey with Morrissey.  He finally cancelled the rest of his 2013 tour due to mesothelioma, liver failure, dry skin, meningitis, gingivitis, and arteriosclerosis.  Morrissey, I hope you get better and thank you for all the memories.  Hope the jock itch clears up.

 

 

About the Author:

 

About OrangeJuiceJones.  OJJ really enjoys: music, going to concerts, art, traveling, tattoos, books, good food, booze, laughing with friends, movies, being outdoors, coca-cola, and the company of cats.  OJJ does not enjoy: serious individuals with no sense of humor, people who hurt animals, doing dishes, too much cheese.

 

 

The Still Life

"Without atmosphere a painting is nothing" – Rembrandt  Little Buddy

Last week Little Buddy (LB) and I were planning some craft/LB time when she had this awesome idea that we should paint each other’s portrait. We both think highly of ourselves and each other so this is a perfect example of what we would spend time doing.  We decided that we would have timed sessions broken down into two parts. The first part would be using a hand crafted pencil from Italy to get the form and outline done. The second part would take place by early morning light using watercolor.  Our talks were all very professional and paintery.  Very exciting.

Today LB came by for our daily “Aren’t you excited to paint our portrait” conversation. This usually lasts about 10 minutes and we talk about how cool it will be. So today, I asked LB if she was going to let me paint her in the nude. And she said NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. And laughed. And I said, is this NO, like the time I said we should get a couples massage and you said GROSS. And she said yes. So then I told her about my vision where she was on a chaise lounge reading a book, surrounded by her dogs and cat, and her husband was standing in the doorway watching.

A few minutes later, she sent me this.

Sappy in pink!

I want to run a love business! Man a kissing booth, work on a conversation heart assembly line, give hugs, make someone smile, hold hands. I really do!

That being said I love Valentine’s Day. I always have. Not that every day shouldn’t be dedicated to LOVE but a day mass produced into a major business. Oh my!

Did you know all this? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Valentine's_Day

So as I sit here smiling while listening to the Amelie soundtrack with a heart so full of love I think it might possibly burst. I can’t help but be THANKFUL. For- Love. For my Rhino, my family, my friends, my doggies.  

THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! XOXOXXO

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vr3x_RRJdd4

John hits up the Bus Stop to talk grilling cheese

GRILLED CHEESE ANYONE?

I just want to give a big shout out to my dear friend George Foreman.  Thank you George.  If it wasn't for you I would not have fond memories of lunches with my dear friends Am and Steph.  You see, lunch used to be boring.  You know, take out from McD's, or Taco Hell, or name your other fast food poison.  Or, God forbid, leftovers in the microwave.  Going to eat at an actual restaurant was fun, but limited.  But the best days...grilled cheese on the ol' foreman grill.  This really opened up the possibilities of lunch excursions.  Think about it...you can add ANYTHING to a grilled cheese sandwich.  My personal favorite: onions and hot peppers on wheat bread.  We tended to keep it simple though because the short duration of lunch period we were allotted by our less than generous employer.  So it was the typical classic Kraft sliced cheese on Wonderbread or some other white bread staple. 

Preparations would start in the dark of morning, or what we called in the military "o'dark thirty".  I would get up extra early (well, ok, 2 minutes early), to dig out the machine from the cupboard to haul it from my homestead all the way to work.  We would sit in the lunch area where all the other victims of indebted servitude congregated during this very brief moment of rest from hard labor.  It was a restorative reprieve from the cruelty of the hard lashes against our backsides.  Especially relieving was the anticipation of the greasy cheesy gooey slathered bread slices sliding off of George's invention.  And the smell of it cooking...oh my God!  I can only imagine the smell wafting down the hallways into the dungeons.  I always waited for others to be drawn out of their cubical land, zombie like, searching out this aroma of heaven.  But alas, it occurred to me that perhaps they were on different lunch periods or they were simply non-believers of the classic gourmet meal we came to call the grilled cheese sandwich.

The others that were there on the same lunch period as us...the stares we received....they were like piercing arrows penetrating deep into our brains.  I'm pretty certain the thoughts in their minds were "how dare them.  Look at them sitting there acting all higher than me.  What makes them think they can get away with that?"  But I do not hold any animosity towards them for the stares they threw at us.  As I am certain they were only stares of jealousy.  We would even oftentimes offer a sandwich to them as they passed by with drool hanging down the front of their shirts.  But I cannot remember any of them accepting. 

I was the chef, but I use that word loosely as after all it is only a grilled cheese.  Meanwhile, Steph would be the socialite, talking to everyone who walked by while Am would just stare off into space with sparkles in her eyes in anticipation of the luscious meal about to be served.  We had like 30 minutes to have lunch and this time was allotted as follows: 

1 minute of greetings (as we were in a hurry to get this operation under way)
5 minutes prep time
15 minutes cook time
1 minute devouring time
6 minutes of reflection and socializing time
2 minutes of wipe down and clean up

30 minutes time of our lives well spent!

And of course, 30 minutes later was the gut bomb from eating all that cheese.  A satisfied gut bomb none the less.

 

John espouses his beliefs in his blog site:  http://yugasage.wordpress.com/.  He is a student of just about everything in life, but primarily studying archaeo-astronomy and the humans place in the cosmos.  He enjoys traveling, outdoors, reading, photography, music, family and friends, and trying to figure out where he will be in the next life.  Check out his blog.